Rick Santorum is the Devil

In the past, I have used a lot of hyperbole to describe things I find objectionable: Coldplay, Peter King, and the Electric Slide are a few examples that come to mind. Perhaps I spoke too harshly of these things, and for that I am sorry. Truth be told, Coldplay is not actually my least favorite thing in the universe. They’re just a band I don’t like. All the other times I claimed to harbor a passionate hatred for something, I was probably just joking around.

But the time for trivial things is over. The subject of Rick Santorum is a very serious one, and as such, I would like to offer my honest opinion: he is the fucking Devil.

Do not be fooled by all of his Bible-thumping—this is a common ruse used by Satan to disguise himself. Much of this was prophesized in the New Testament:

When the thousand years are over, Satan will be released from his prison and will go out to deceive the nations in the four corners of the earth–Gog and Magog–to gather them for battle. In number they are like sand on the seashore.

— Revelation 21:7

For a while, I wondering how all these Rick Santorum supporters suddenly appeared out of nowhere, but this explains everything. Even Santorum’s cancerous impact on the Republican Party was foretold long ago:

Mark my word, if and when these preachers get control of the [Republician] party, and they’re sure trying to do so, it’s going to be a terrible damn problem. Frankly, these people frighten me. Politics and governing demand compromise. But these Christians believe they are acting in the name of God, so they can’t and won’t compromise. I know, I’ve tried to deal with them.

— Barry Goldwater

Though I‘ve hated Rick Santorum for quite some time, previously I did not find it necessary to express these views in blog form. As a general rule, I only write about things I dislike when a significant number of people actually like them. For example, I would not write a blog about how much I hate malaria. Although it is certainly true, so far I have not encountered any opposition to this viewpoint. Naturally, if malaria suddenly became all the rage, I would be compelled to speak out against it.

Likewise, Rick Santorum had been rightfully marginalized for most of his career. This was particularly true after he lost his senate seat in 2006 by the largest margin ever for a GOP incumbent, and had his last name successfully redefined to mean lubeshit. But as of today, Rick Santorum is the #1 Republican answer to the question: “Who should be the next President of the United States?” Suddenly, all of that 2012 apocalypse crap is starting to sound ominous.

Back in 2008, if you told me that a 2012 GOP candidate would make me long for Mitt Romney, I would’ve called you crazy. I probably would’ve said, “Wait, how do you know that? Do you have a time machine or something? Tell me next week’s winning lotto numbers. Never mind, that can’t be true because I hate Mitt Romney. You’re crazy.” As it stands, Santorum is so wretched and horrifying that I often forget about my dislike for Romney, whom I avidly rooted for McCain to defeat in 2008.

It’s not as if party politics are clouding my judgement. While I do hate most Republicans, I don’t exactly go around singing the praises of Chris Dodd or John Kerry either. For all I care, Santorum could be running against Richard Nixon’s rotting corpse and I would still vote against him. I would even buy a “Nixon’s Rotting Corpse 2012” bumper sticker for my car, if that’s what it took to prevent a Rick Santorum presidency. Perhaps the lone exception is Michelle Bachmann. If Santorum and Bachmann were the only two presidential candidates–sorry but I threw up all over my keyboard before I could finish that sentence. Let’s move on.

At this point, a reasonable person might ask, “What specific policy issues make you loathe Rick Santorum so much?” I suppose I could explain them all in detail, but it seems like a fruitless exercise to me. I doubt any Santorum supporters are reading this thinking: Let’s see here, I have analyzed all of the candidates and their various platforms, and determined that Rick Santorum is the most optimal. However, I am open-minded to any contrary analyses or opinions. If you’re looking for well-informed, rational people who support Rick Santorum, you might as well be looking for diamonds up a horse’s ass, because you’re not going to find any. The defining traits of Santorum and his evil minions are ignorance and contempt for factual arguments.

Here are a few testimonials from Santorum fans, which give some insight into their typical thought process:

“I decided to support him three weeks ago. Before that, I was for Gingrich,” said Steve Izev, 34, of Westerville, Ohio. “The more popular he got, the more I liked him.”

“I don’t know a lot about him,” said Gary Henson, 32, the owner of a medical supply company in Columbus. “I like his demeanor. I like his personality.”

While it seems irresponsible to me to vote for someone you, “don’t know a lot about,” I would hesitate to try and explain this to Gary Henson from Columbus. I imagine I’d be immediately dismissed as some smug Harvard elitist.

What makes Santorum’s followers particularly dangerous is their continuing refusal to acknowledge reality. Undaunted by the truth, they constantly repeat idiotic claims that have long been refuted. A recent story about Occupy Wall Street protesters at a Santorum rally provides a telling example.

I have never been to an OWS rally, and find myself at odds with some of their views–particularly their extremely favorable stance on hacky sacks. How anyone can be entertained by a hacky sack I will never understand.

For some reason, this is a popular form of outdoor recreation.

But never mind that, we need all the allies we can get to defeat this monster. Observe his hellish disregard for the truth:

The protesters, Santorum suggested, “instead of standing here unemployed, yelling at somebody” should instead “go out and get a job.”

Santorum’s supporters roared their approval, chanting “get a job” back at the Occupiers.

Take that, you bums. I don’t care if 87% of you have jobs–get a job!

As for Santorum’s army of idiots, why should I assume that any of them have jobs? It’s not like someone is paying these dickheads to stand around and listen to Rick Santorum all day.

I guess if I didn’t have to work, I would follow Rick Santorum around the country, just so I could give him the middle finger everywhere he went. Then I could brag about being the only person to flip off Rick Santorum in all 50 states. I’ll have to put that on my bucket list.

I have decided that I hate Rick Santorum so much, I am now gay just to spite him. Here is a picture of me and few dudes gaying it up:

That’s me on the left. You’re under arrest, Rick!

One might ask how can someone change their sexual preference just like that. It is entirely possible, according to Santorum himself, who insists that sexual orientation is a choice. It doesn’t seem to be a terribly important choice either, because Santorum is also opposed to premarital sex and strongly opposed to gay marriage. So for practical purposes, not being married is essentially the same as being gay in Rick Santorum’s world.

Now, you might be thinking, “Hey, I like premarital sex.” Well, you’re not going to like it anymore, not after Rick Santorum outlaws all forms of birth control. To be honest, if I hadn’t just become gay, I would be even more worried about post-marital sex. I can’t afford all those kids!

I suppose it could be worse. At least the government will provide food stamps for my 14 children. Surely Rick Santorum supports food stamps, right? No, Rick Santorum thinks food stamps make people fat.

One other thing–if you agree with Rick Santorum on all these issues, but practice Islam instead of Christianity, Rick Santorum will probably kill you. But then he will announce that you have been liberated.

That’s because both of them are Satan.

In general, the notion of Republicans being socially conservative seems fundamentally flawed to me. If there’s one thing Republicans love to do, it’s demonize the government. They constantly bemoan Big Government, Obamacare, government spending, government revenues (taxes), and government meddling in business. What can the government do well? Nothing.

Compare that to the social conservatism, “a form of authoritarianism often associated with the position that the national government, or the state, should have a greater role in the social and moral affairs of its citizens,” according to wikipedia.

So is the government good or bad? It’s time for Republicans to shit or get off the pot here. If the government is so bad, stop using it to pry into and legislate our private affairs. And unless your goal is widespread public mockery, stop parading around assholes like Rick Santorum.


Worst Songs of All-Time, Part II

As Sammy Hagar famously blabbered, “C’mon baby, finish what ya started.” Who better to take advice from as we conclude our masochistic trip down memory lane? Let’s pick it up at #5 with a once legendary musician, whose career took a turn for the worse in the mid-seventies.

5. Paul McCartney & Wings – Silly Love Songs

Some people have asked me what’s up with all the classic rock songs on this list. Where are the Backstreet Boys? Celine Dion? NKOTB? Didn’t make the cut. It’s hard to believe, but these songs are even worse. Case in point, this vomit-inducing ballad by former Beatle Paul McCartney.

According to Wikipedia, “McCartney had been often teased by music critics for writing lightweight songs, and McCartney wrote this number in response.” Obviously he was content with the response, Critics, you are absolutely right. I’m a big fucking douchebag, and I’ve written this song to prove it.

4. Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart & Sting – All For Love

Notice a pattern here? Approximately 40% of all shitty songs have the word “love” in the title. This monstrosity was featured in a humorous bit on Beavis & Butthead, where the duo started screaming in horror until one of them finally changed the channel.

The video adds an extra dimension of crap to the original recording. For some unfathomable reason, it has a one-minute intro consisting of:

Sting: Bryan, how’s it goin?
Bryan Adams: Oh, hey Sting.
Sting: Hey, where’s Rod Stewart?
Bryan Adams: I dunno, he said he was on his way. So, what’s up Sting?
Sting: Oh, you know, this and that.
Rod Stewart: Hey guys! Ready to shoot the video?
Sting: Rod! Buddy old Pal! Nah, let’s wank around for another 30 seconds.
Bryan Adams: Hey, doesn’t this haircut make me look like a dipshit?
Rod Stewart: It sure does. Man, this song is gonna suck.
Bryan Adams: Yea, I’m totally pumped.

3. O.A.R. – Hey Girl

Here is an actual line from this song:

Well we went out late that night and we danced through the night

Are you fucking serious O.A.R.? It’s like you’re not even trying.

The thing is, train wreaks like this (although maybe not quite as clichéd as this one) get written all the time; but they usually result in scorn and ridicule from one’s peers. “Hey Girl” was actually played multiple times on nationally-syndicated modern rock radio. The only plausible explanation is that the members of O.A.R. sold their souls to the Devil–in return for a guaranteed hit single, no matter how terrible the song. What sort of demonic fiend could write a ballad this awful and make it popular? Hmm, maybe they got some tips from the next band on our countdown…

2. Nickelback – If Everyone Cared

The Beatles of Crap. The Shakespeares of Suck. Call them whatever you want, but Nickelback has left an indelible mark on the world of shitty music.

Trying to pick the worst Nickelback song is a bit like trying to decide what to order at IHOP. You carefully study the menu, meticulously scrutinizing the description of each potential meal until your stomach pleads with your brain to make it all end–but you still can’t decide between the Eggs Benedict, the Sausage & Biscuits, the Breakfast Combo, the Ham & Egg Melt, the Blueberry Pancakes, the Banana Pancakes, or the Stuffed French Toast.

Nickelback is sort of a bizarro version of that. Everything on the menu sucks.

You really just have to go with your gut (pardon the pun) in these situations. Most of Nickelback’s songs are bad in a humorously inept way, and I believe “If Everyone Cared” possesses that quality more so than any other. Take this nugget of lyrical wisdom from frontman Chad Kroeger:

And as we lie beneth the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be

I almost pissed my pants when I heard that.

1. Marcia Griffiths – Electric Boogie

Oops wrong video, my bad.

Wait, that wasn’t it either. Well in any event, hopefully I’ve somewhat prepared you for the experience of actually listening to this song
(seriously, click on that link at your own risk–don’t say I didn’t warn you).

“Electric Boogie” as you may have guessed, is the song that popularized the Electric Slide dance routine. I’ve been forced to endure it at High School dances, Weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, and other occasions I’ve since blocked from my memory.

When I think of this song, I’m reminded of the Trent Reznor line, “If there is a Hell, I’ll see you there.” Surely, Electric Boogie will be playing when we get there.