Rick Santorum is the Devil

In the past, I have used a lot of hyperbole to describe things I find objectionable: Coldplay, Peter King, and the Electric Slide are a few examples that come to mind. Perhaps I spoke too harshly of these things, and for that I am sorry. Truth be told, Coldplay is not actually my least favorite thing in the universe. They’re just a band I don’t like. All the other times I claimed to harbor a passionate hatred for something, I was probably just joking around.

But the time for trivial things is over. The subject of Rick Santorum is a very serious one, and as such, I would like to offer my honest opinion: he is the fucking Devil.

Do not be fooled by all of his Bible-thumping—this is a common ruse used by Satan to disguise himself. Much of this was prophesized in the New Testament:

When the thousand years are over, Satan will be released from his prison and will go out to deceive the nations in the four corners of the earth–Gog and Magog–to gather them for battle. In number they are like sand on the seashore.

— Revelation 21:7

For a while, I wondering how all these Rick Santorum supporters suddenly appeared out of nowhere, but this explains everything. Even Santorum’s cancerous impact on the Republican Party was foretold long ago:

Mark my word, if and when these preachers get control of the [Republician] party, and they’re sure trying to do so, it’s going to be a terrible damn problem. Frankly, these people frighten me. Politics and governing demand compromise. But these Christians believe they are acting in the name of God, so they can’t and won’t compromise. I know, I’ve tried to deal with them.

— Barry Goldwater

Though I‘ve hated Rick Santorum for quite some time, previously I did not find it necessary to express these views in blog form. As a general rule, I only write about things I dislike when a significant number of people actually like them. For example, I would not write a blog about how much I hate malaria. Although it is certainly true, so far I have not encountered any opposition to this viewpoint. Naturally, if malaria suddenly became all the rage, I would be compelled to speak out against it.

Likewise, Rick Santorum had been rightfully marginalized for most of his career. This was particularly true after he lost his senate seat in 2006 by the largest margin ever for a GOP incumbent, and had his last name successfully redefined to mean lubeshit. But as of today, Rick Santorum is the #1 Republican answer to the question: “Who should be the next President of the United States?” Suddenly, all of that 2012 apocalypse crap is starting to sound ominous.

Back in 2008, if you told me that a 2012 GOP candidate would make me long for Mitt Romney, I would’ve called you crazy. I probably would’ve said, “Wait, how do you know that? Do you have a time machine or something? Tell me next week’s winning lotto numbers. Never mind, that can’t be true because I hate Mitt Romney. You’re crazy.” As it stands, Santorum is so wretched and horrifying that I often forget about my dislike for Romney, whom I avidly rooted for McCain to defeat in 2008.

It’s not as if party politics are clouding my judgement. While I do hate most Republicans, I don’t exactly go around singing the praises of Chris Dodd or John Kerry either. For all I care, Santorum could be running against Richard Nixon’s rotting corpse and I would still vote against him. I would even buy a “Nixon’s Rotting Corpse 2012” bumper sticker for my car, if that’s what it took to prevent a Rick Santorum presidency. Perhaps the lone exception is Michelle Bachmann. If Santorum and Bachmann were the only two presidential candidates–sorry but I threw up all over my keyboard before I could finish that sentence. Let’s move on.

At this point, a reasonable person might ask, “What specific policy issues make you loathe Rick Santorum so much?” I suppose I could explain them all in detail, but it seems like a fruitless exercise to me. I doubt any Santorum supporters are reading this thinking: Let’s see here, I have analyzed all of the candidates and their various platforms, and determined that Rick Santorum is the most optimal. However, I am open-minded to any contrary analyses or opinions. If you’re looking for well-informed, rational people who support Rick Santorum, you might as well be looking for diamonds up a horse’s ass, because you’re not going to find any. The defining traits of Santorum and his evil minions are ignorance and contempt for factual arguments.

Here are a few testimonials from Santorum fans, which give some insight into their typical thought process:

“I decided to support him three weeks ago. Before that, I was for Gingrich,” said Steve Izev, 34, of Westerville, Ohio. “The more popular he got, the more I liked him.”

“I don’t know a lot about him,” said Gary Henson, 32, the owner of a medical supply company in Columbus. “I like his demeanor. I like his personality.”

While it seems irresponsible to me to vote for someone you, “don’t know a lot about,” I would hesitate to try and explain this to Gary Henson from Columbus. I imagine I’d be immediately dismissed as some smug Harvard elitist.

What makes Santorum’s followers particularly dangerous is their continuing refusal to acknowledge reality. Undaunted by the truth, they constantly repeat idiotic claims that have long been refuted. A recent story about Occupy Wall Street protesters at a Santorum rally provides a telling example.

I have never been to an OWS rally, and find myself at odds with some of their views–particularly their extremely favorable stance on hacky sacks. How anyone can be entertained by a hacky sack I will never understand.

For some reason, this is a popular form of outdoor recreation.

But never mind that, we need all the allies we can get to defeat this monster. Observe his hellish disregard for the truth:

The protesters, Santorum suggested, “instead of standing here unemployed, yelling at somebody” should instead “go out and get a job.”

Santorum’s supporters roared their approval, chanting “get a job” back at the Occupiers.

Take that, you bums. I don’t care if 87% of you have jobs–get a job!

As for Santorum’s army of idiots, why should I assume that any of them have jobs? It’s not like someone is paying these dickheads to stand around and listen to Rick Santorum all day.

I guess if I didn’t have to work, I would follow Rick Santorum around the country, just so I could give him the middle finger everywhere he went. Then I could brag about being the only person to flip off Rick Santorum in all 50 states. I’ll have to put that on my bucket list.

I have decided that I hate Rick Santorum so much, I am now gay just to spite him. Here is a picture of me and few dudes gaying it up:

That’s me on the left. You’re under arrest, Rick!

One might ask how can someone change their sexual preference just like that. It is entirely possible, according to Santorum himself, who insists that sexual orientation is a choice. It doesn’t seem to be a terribly important choice either, because Santorum is also opposed to premarital sex and strongly opposed to gay marriage. So for practical purposes, not being married is essentially the same as being gay in Rick Santorum’s world.

Now, you might be thinking, “Hey, I like premarital sex.” Well, you’re not going to like it anymore, not after Rick Santorum outlaws all forms of birth control. To be honest, if I hadn’t just become gay, I would be even more worried about post-marital sex. I can’t afford all those kids!

I suppose it could be worse. At least the government will provide food stamps for my 14 children. Surely Rick Santorum supports food stamps, right? No, Rick Santorum thinks food stamps make people fat.

One other thing–if you agree with Rick Santorum on all these issues, but practice Islam instead of Christianity, Rick Santorum will probably kill you. But then he will announce that you have been liberated.

That’s because both of them are Satan.

In general, the notion of Republicans being socially conservative seems fundamentally flawed to me. If there’s one thing Republicans love to do, it’s demonize the government. They constantly bemoan Big Government, Obamacare, government spending, government revenues (taxes), and government meddling in business. What can the government do well? Nothing.

Compare that to the social conservatism, “a form of authoritarianism often associated with the position that the national government, or the state, should have a greater role in the social and moral affairs of its citizens,” according to wikipedia.

So is the government good or bad? It’s time for Republicans to shit or get off the pot here. If the government is so bad, stop using it to pry into and legislate our private affairs. And unless your goal is widespread public mockery, stop parading around assholes like Rick Santorum.


GOP Feedback

Dear GOP,

I pretty much dislike all major political parties. Your party is sort of an exception, in the sense that I not only dislike your political platform, but I also hate most of you as human beings. Despite all of that, I was relatively bored today, so I figured I would give you Republicans some helpful advice for campaign season.

The worst thing about politicians is that they are all descendants of the ancient demon king Belphegor. The second-worst thing about politicians is that they seem totally obsessed with political buzz-phrases. Buzz-phrases, catch-phrases, slogans and the like work similarly to ads or billboards. Basically, the main goal is convince you of something without really providing any supporting evidence.

You’ll note that consumer advertisements rely heavily on tactic, which I find annoying but understandable. When I am driving down the freeway and you are trying to sell me microwave popcorn, I’m not going to devote a whole lot of time to what you have to say. You probably have about a second to get my attention, if that.

The government, on the other hand, is a company I am already doing business with. Despite my cynical attitude, I have to care about the government. If I said, “Fuck it, let’s vote for any old schmo,” I run the risk of being overtaxed, wrongfully imprisoned, etc. as a result of this decision.

Long story longer, when I hear a candidate using a catchy buzz-phrase to gloss over a complicated political issue, this is what it sounds like to me:

Hi, do you know what a congressman is? Never mind, it’s not important. Basically, you are trying to choose between me and some other guy, which is like deciding whether to buy Pepsi or Coke. Sure, you could do all your “research” and “fact-finding”. But what I’ve noticed is that people invariably just pick one, because who gives a shit about competing brands of cola. When the worst possible outcome of a decision is, “Yuck, this tastes like it has a slightly different concentration of high-fructose corn syrup,” most people will not lose too much sleep one way or the other.

This probably goes without saying, but I am counting on you to take the same hands-off approach when it comes to voting for Congress. In fact, your actual vote is probably less important than your preferred brand of soda. You only get one vote, which is far less than the margin of error involved in…sorry that was way too confusing. Look at me droning on like a nerd. Sorry guys, I may have a Ph.D. in Scientology, but I am totally down to earth like all you regular Joes. Seriously, don’t over-think this one too much. Both you and I will be happier if you do zero research about me or my historical track record.

You know what really grids my gears? Partisan bickering. Washington gridlock. I’ve had enough of politics as usual, especially from people who disagree with me. The solution to all of these problems is to vote for my party 100% of the time. I think. I am a Washington outsider so I don’t really know how this stuff works. That’s right, I’m a real trail-blazing maverick, not some professional politician who has experience working in legislative bodies with other politicians. I don’t even know where Washington D.C. is, and if elected, will need someone to give me directions from I-95 North.

Just look at my opponent. He is a cranky old curmudgeon, who constantly scowls at things, according to the one shitty photo of him I keep showing. Plus he is always accompanied by grim-sounding music in my campaign ads. In 2002, my opponent voted to create a new cabinet position called Secretary of Beating Up Old Ladies. What kind of jerk would vote for such a clearly terrible bill? I’ll tell you who, the same kind of jerk who thought he was voting for a normal House appropriations bill, only to have a series of unrelated, last-minute riders tacked on. What this example really shows is how I treat congressional voting like a political game, as opposed to an important responsibility bestowed upon me by the citizens of this great nation. U-S-A!

Now marvel at the juxtaposition of this obvious train-wreck with his polar opposite: me. Oh, how important and magnanimous this pressed suit makes me look. I have 2.3 kids and a Golden fucking Retriever. Check and mate, my friend.

Hold up a second. I just saw some really important thing off in the distance over there. It’s really fucking cool so I am just going to stare at that for a while. What, are we still rolling? I dunno just fade out or something. Listen, there’s a pile a blow with my name on it back at the hotel, so I’d be fine if we went ahead and wrapped things up here.

This rhetoric may seem “outlandish” or “not real” but it is hidden inside 99% of the political buzz-phrases that are thrown around today (the remaining 1% is stuff like, buzz-phrases used in the blog I am writing right now about buzz-phrases because I hate them).

All of that being said, they seem to be fairly popular on both sides of the isle. And even I have to admit that they seem to work sometimes. Like the phrase: Drill, baby, drill caught on for some reason. I’m not entirely sure why, though I have to say it is much better than: “I love offshore oil drilling so much, I speak about it like someone for whom I have sexual feelings,” the other tagline the GOP was kicking around for a while.

I should mention something about the Democrats here, and not to maintain any superficial sense of being fair and balanced. I think they love meaningless catch-phrases almost as much as the GOP. Their problem is more that buzz-phrases are not really their most effective style of propaganda.* The two most popular Democrat buzz-phrases I can remember are It’s the Economy, Stupid! and Change You Can Believe In. Note the proper punctuation, grammar and syntax in these slogans–classic rookie mistake. Commas, apostrophes, and complete sentences merely distract and confuse the idiots you are reaching out to.

* The trick that Democrats are really good at is the use of anecdotal evidence. Whenever a Democrat begins a speech like, “Let me tell you about a guy named…” and then the guy ends up losing his farm or some shit, then gets injured and can’t afford health care, then his favorite cow dies yadda yadda etc that is what I mean.

Obama probably realized this when he modified his slogan to the shorter, pithier Change We Need. Because before he was asking me to believe in stuff. After following politics for long enough, that just seems like a generally bad idea. But now with Change We Need he’s just saying: “Your current president sucks, and needs to be replaced.” This idea is much easier for the voting public to grasp. If there’s one thing voters hate, it’s the last president they voted for. Fuck that guy, remember all the bad shit that happened when he was President? Totally his fault.

I have just two more examples to discuss, starting with my least favorite buzz-phrase of all time: family values. It seems to imply that a “family” is really a group of strict assholes who oppose individual liberties and much of the US Constitution. I would politely ask you not to talk about the Connelly’s that way.

Excluding myself, probably any person with a family would by offended by this suggestion, that their family members share the same core values as Mitt Romney and his 8 wives or whatever. That was kind of a low blow. Sorry Mitt. The only reason I brought it up was because I truly dislike Mitt Romney and want to hurt his feelings. Hey, wait a second, I didn’t bring it up. Republicans did, when they made family values a part of their political agenda.

On a more positive note, I’ve decided my favorite political buzz-phrase is job-killing. Now the implication is more like Obama is a nefarious criminal mastermind, surrounded by a tank of man-eating piranhas, brutally murdering innocent jobs to fulfill some evil, job-killing fetish of his. This one sounds like a winner to me.

"The whole 'feeding people to piranhas' thing is more of a decoy than anything else. Soon my diabolical estate tax will pass through both houses unopposed!"

Oh yea, I forgot that I put “Dear GOP,” at the beginning of this post. To be honest, what you read was less of an actual letter to the GOP, and more of a blog post insulting them. I guess that’s all for now.

Quality Prose