Stupid Book Covers

Just a quick update: the polls are now closed, and I’m proud to announce BBQ sauce is our winner, narrowly beating out ranch dressing for the award of Best Dipping Sauce. Thanks to all our competitors for participating, you’re really all fantastic sauces, it’s too bad there could only be one winner.

Now onto this blog, I did some searching on amazon for the worst book covers I could find, which I have presented below. After a little while of this, the amazon recommendation engine started thinking I was a huge loser, and now it keeps recommending stuff like Success is a Choice by Rick Pitino or Jon Secada’s Greatest Hits. They should have some search setting where you specify that you’re only doing research for a satirical blog, and are not actually interested in buying these things. Anyways, here are the stupid book covers.

 

The Awakening — Kate Chopin

Yaaawwwwwnnn. Man, I almost fell asleep just looking at that. This book is about women’s issues or something. I was supposed to read it in high school. But I’m not sure why it looks like the cover of a Christopher Cross album. Actually now I remember, the beach is where she kills herself at the end. Whoops, spoiler alert. As you might imagine, anyone who doesn’t watch the Lifetime network will be extremely bored by this book.

 

Breaking Dawn — Stephenie Meyer

This cover is a real disappointment, because it gets me excited about chess for no reason. I always see this book in stores and I’m thinking like, Well I’m certainly no grandmaster, but I think white has a significant advantage here…Ah wait a sec, it’s one of those damn vampire books. They should put like a picture of fangs on the cover; or better yet, maybe a vampire couple kissing, so people also know it’s a chick novel. That way any male vampire enthusiasts will know to stay away as well.

 

The Five People You Meet in Heaven — Mitch Albom

A lot of people say that books are more educational than TV, which may be true. But I’d counter with the fact that dumb books have a more de-educational effect on the reader than TV shows of similar stupidity.

Think about it, once you pick up The Five People You Meet in Heaven, it’s like beginning a 198-page journey through Mitch Albom’s mind. You can read one of his hokey anecdotes and feel like you’re really there–immersed in the bland, shitty world of Mitch Albom. Suddenly you’re boring people at parties with your vapid tales of life and introspection. All your friends seem to be checking their cell phones or staring at the wall intently whenever you talk.

Inane TV shows don’t have as severe of an effect on the viewer. I can actually sit through about 35 minutes of The Kudlow Report before feeling any adverse effects.

 

Pinheads and Patriots: Where You Stand in the Age of Obama — Bill O’Reilly


I asked my friend Tom to suggest a crappy book cover, and he came back with this one–which is so terrible that I had to include it, even though there are two other conservative pundits on this list. Does the GOP have a monopoly on laughably bad book covers? O’Reilly’s ugly mug certainly helps the cause here. From the cover it is also apparent why Bill O’Reilly calls people pinheads. Pretty much everyone looks like a pinhead next to O’Reilly’s fat face and blubbery neck, the slender Obama not withstanding. So remember the next time Bill O’Reilly calls you a pinhead, he simply means, “someone without a fat, ugly head like mine.”

 

You Play to Win the Game: Leadership Lessons for Success On and Off the Field — Herman Edwards

I suppose if Herm Edwards’s book were about how he’s a crazy loudmouth who shouldn’t be taken seriously, then this cover would be entirely appropriate. But apparently this book is about leadership lessons for something or other. There were too many words on the cover so I wasn’t really paying attention. Also I usually steer clear of books where the cover is yelling at me.

Speaking of too many words, this next title is so long I had to take a piss break halfway through typing it.

 

Crazies to the Left of Me, Wimps to the Right: How One Side Lost Its Mind and the Other Lost Its Nerve — Bernie Goldberg


Forgive me for being pedantic, Bernie, but aren’t the crazies actually to your right? If I am to believe the implied premise here—that the dumb, convoluted title of this book is actually hovering above Bernie Goldberg’s head, as he gesticulates his indignant frustration—then anything on his right would be on my left, since he’s facing the reader.

Here is a useful diagram for Bernie’s sake:

 

If Democrats Had Any Brains, They’d Be Republicans — Ann Coulter

A better title for this book would be If Ann Coulter Had Any Tits, She’d Be Hot. For some reason I don’t suspect too many people will rethink their political views based on Ann Coulter calling them stupid, then making some alluring pose on her book cover. In fact, the title sounds very childish and is unbecoming of a Cornell graduate. I know you are conservative, what is the point of your book? A less shitty title would answer this question.

 

Ethan Frome — Edith Wharton


I feel this is a very appropriate cover for Ethan Frome. Whenever I’m browsing around for a book that makes me want to blow my head off, and I see a cover like this, I know I’m in business. Check out that small shack in the middle of nowhere, plus it’s all cold and shit. I would never want to visit this place ever, not even in fictional terms.

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