Meet the Dead Rockstars, Part I

You’re probably wondering already if there will be a part II to this series–the answer is probably not. This damn thing had been sitting in my drafts folder for about a year, and I kept on trading my fake players and eventually ran out of racist jokes to make about the nationalities involved. So I figured I’d just stick a “Part I” on the title and be done with it.

So anyways, I have this fake baseball team on whatifsports.com. No, not fantasy baseball, although I do that too. This involves an extra level of geekdom because the players themselves are computer generated figments of our imagination. They come equipped with skill ratings in various baseball tasks, but not with personalities like the real ball players. So I decided to fix that today.

There are a lot of young promising players for the Seattle Dead Rockstars, a team that is surely destined for greatness in the near future. Let’s meet a few of them:

Designated Hitter – Brent Stewart

Brent Stewart
Seattle
Dead Rockstars
Age: 25 B/T: R/R
Born: Saratoga Spgs, NY
Position(s): DH

This power-hitting righty hails from Saratoga Springs, New York–home to a number of sporting legends, including Seabiscuit and former Las Vegas Craps owner Tom Peretti. Brent’s parents own the popular chain of Stewart’s convenience stores that are a ubiquitous staple of upstate New York. Note that although they have almost the exact same logo as the Stewart’s soda brand, they are not the same company. The Stewart’s soda pop company is owned by Brent’s uncle Earl. Earl says that Brent is welcome to take over his soda pop chain one day. Brent said thanks, but that he was much more interested in playing baseball at the moment.

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Catcher – Willie Sweeney

Willie Sweeney
Seattle
Dead Rockstars
Age: 22 B/T: R/R
Born: Hancock, MI
Position(s): C/DH

With a powerful bat and patient eye, Bill Sweeney has established himself as one of the better young catchers in the game. While not playing baseball, Willie enjoys taking bong hits and playing Magic GarageBand on his computer. He also has a dog, Jim, who was named after the lyrics to a Phish song. Sweeney is a decent pitch-caller but struggles to throw runners out on steal attempts.

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First Base – Neifi Almonte

Neifi Almonte
Seattle
Dead Rockstars
Age: 23 B/T: L/L
Born: Cariaco, VE
Position(s): 1B

This swinging slugger from Cariaco, Venezuela was recently named AL Rookie of the Year! A few summers ago, Neifi hurt his neck beating up some roughians back home–members of the Venezuelan kidnapping mob Los Diablos who were after his Aunt Esmeralda. He unfortunately suffered a herniated disk while repeatedly slamming a mobster’s head in the front door of his Chevy Chevette. He’s since made his full recovery, hitting 63 homers in his rookie season to establish himself as one of the top young sluggers in fake baseball.

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Second Base – Carter Fassero

Carter Fassero
Seattle
Dead Rockstars
Age: 22 B/T: R/R
Born: Madill, OK
Position(s): 2B

This hot-shot youngster is a real all-around gamer. In addition to his dynamic repertoire of hitting, speed, and defense, he also possess top-notch health and durability ratings, thanks to his daily regimen of greenies and HGH.

Do you like to party? Carter sure does… in both the normal sense and the “wink-wink” sense of the word. A rampant cocaine habit has left his patience short and his temper high. Never since Tim Raines and Keith Hernandez has a 6-tool player come along quite like Fassero–his abilities to hit for average, hit for power, field, throw, run the bases, and consume narcotics are up there with the game’s elite.

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Shortstop – Einar Ramirez

Einar Ramirez
Seattle
Dead Rockstars
Age: 25 B/T: L/R
Born: Anzoategui, VE
Position(s): SS/IF/OF

Our International Scouting team really did a bang-up job in Venezuela. We saw young Einar playing in the streets one day; he and his friends from the small town of Anzoategui were using rocks as baseballs and milk cartons for gloves. The way Einar attacked those bouncing rocks with a folded milk carton in his left hand, we knew he would bring the same tenacity and enthusiasm to the shortstop position in Seattle. When asked about his hitting skills, or lack thereof, Einar chuckled and recalled being the subject of ridicule at many of his friends’ Piñata parties.

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Center Field — Edgardo Tejera

Edgardo Tejera
Seattle
Dead Rockstars
Age: 20 B/T: R/R
Born: Guayubin, DO
Position(s): 2B/LF/CF

Known as the Dominican God of Walks, or Dios Dominicana de Bases sobre los Bolas in his native town of Guayubin, Edgardo is a solid all-around talent.

In reality, Edgardo is merely above average in taking walks. However, Dominican youths are frequently taught to swing at every pitch thrown, as this strategy increases their slim chances of making it to the United States. But under the tutelage of his father, Eduardo Tejera (a notorious stickler for plate discipline as a Little League manager) Edgardo developed a keen batting eye unmatched by his local peers. As a result, Tejera is considered a prodigy of the base-on-balls in his homeland.

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I’m afraid that’s all I have for now. Stay tuned for a continuation of the Presidential report card series!

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