An Open Letter to SI’s Peter King

Dear Peter King,

Please quit journalism forever. Once you’ve finished your letter of resignation to Sports Illustrated, you may want to make a copy and frame it, as it will easily be the best thing you’ve ever written. Then, please come back and finish reading this letter.

pk
Firstly, I’d like to inform you of an amazing new product called Just For Men. This breakthrough in hair-coloring technology allows many men your age to avoid looking like a complete dickface. In your case, it may only reduce your dickface appearance by 33%–making you still the biggest wank job I’ve ever seen, but not by as wide a margin as before.

Secondly, you were quoted in last week’s MMQB column, under the Ten Things I Think I Think header, as saying:

Whoa, Coldplay. Heck of a performance at the Grammys last night. Tremendous. That’s a band I need to see.

Please let me know when and where you plan to see Coldplay, so I can come and punch you in the face. After doing so, I’ll probably heckle Chris Martin for a bit until he starts crying (this will only take about 30 seconds) before promptly leaving.

Thirdly, Ten Things I Think I Think has to be the worst title of anything a professional (or amateur) writer has ever come up with. I hate every single word of that title, with the possible exception of “Things”.

Arguably, the phrase “I Think” should not even be used once. Especially when it refers to statements like:

8. I think one of the biggest MMQB fans on the planet, Michael Whelan of New Orleans (formerly of Detroit), got married over the weekend and deserves a kudo or two, particularly for finding such a lovely gal in Emily Edwards.

What the fuck, you think he got married? Or you’re not sure how many kudos he deserves? Perhaps you think Emily Edwards is a lovely gal, but there’s a slight chance she is a raging whore.

Anyways, “I think” is bad enough once, but twice in succession? Here, Peter King is attempting to unravel 430 years of modern philosophy since the Cartesian principle cogito ergo sum (I think, therefore I am). Behold the mysterious Peter King, who is not even sure if he thinks! He can only be some sort of ghostly, non-human enigma, unable to be perceived by man.
perception-descartes
Yet my biggest gripe is with the number of things in the column. Obviously, any number other than ten should be unacceptable. For instance, the Super Bowl column I linked to above contained 16 things, so King is clearly a dolt who cannot compute integers. Of course, some King apologists might counter: “But #10 was a list of seven non-football thoughts, which categorically, is really one thing consisting of seven sub-things.” Fine, whatever.

Even using some convoluted logic like that, there is no way to explain this monstrosity. The linked article contains 53 fucking things, not 10. And somewhat unlike the previous example, they have not one goddamn thing to do with one another.

Breaking down the logical structure of this passage is like entering the 9th Circle of Dante’s Inferno. Provided is one example below:

1. I think these are my quick-hit thoughts of Week 17:
d. Larry Fitzgerald’s hands cannot be matched.

Later on we have…
6. I think this is what I liked about Week 17:
a. Haloti Ngata is downright nimble for a 345-pound man.

What the hell is going on here? Why are these two things (which Peter King does not consider things) separated into different categories? Are you telling me you’re neutral to Larry Fitzgerald’s hands, but you love the downright nimbleness of Haloti Ngata?

Such inconsistency is prevalent throughout the duration of the TTITIT section. How easy is it to write like Peter King? Observe:

1) Days of the week:
a. Monday
b. Thursday
c. Sausage
d. Oprah Winfrey

2) Toppings on Pizza:
a. Mustard
b. Anchovies
c. Montell Williams

3) Hey, I really think this Larry Fitzgerald kid could be a star in the NFL some day.

4) I always thought the forward pass was just a fad, but thanks to Mr. Fitzgerald, it could be here to stay!

5) Black Talk-Show Hosts:
a. Wednesday
b. Sally Jesse Raphael

I doubt anyone could understand how mad this makes me. I have a passionate hatred for the arbitrary and illogical–a passion that burns brighter than all the stars in the sky. Peter King, you have ignited that passion.

One day when I am President, I will urge the passage of a new constitutional amendment: this amendment will modify the 8th Amendment to apply to everyone except Peter King. After it receives the overwhelming approval of congress, I will confine Peter King to some sort of stocks or pillory, so the local children can amuse themselves hurling tomatoes at his ugly face. This will teach kids to appreciate numbers such as 10, and not to use them inappropriately.

Peter King, I’ve written this open letter to inform you of your fate. There is nothing you can do to avoid it.

My condolences,
Ryan

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