Phelps In Hot Water

This story is getting old already, but there are a few aspects of it that bother me, hence I felt this blog was necessary. By now you’ve all seen this picture (amusing headline courtesy of Deadspin):


First of all, there is no way anyone could have confirmed that was Phelps. You might say that it was right for him to step up and admit it was him, and I wouldn’t argue. But what Phelps probably failed to account for is that Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott is a blithering asshat:

This case is no different than any other case. This one might be a lot easier since we have photographs of someone using drugs and a partial confession. It’s a relatively easy case once we can determine where the crime occurred.

Now let’s remember that the ROOR shown here is a “glass pipe generally used to smoke cannabis” according to the original article. Well, a gun is a device generally used to kill people. What if a photograph surfaced of me pointing a gun at some unseen object, presumably in the Columbia, S.C. area. I suppose the police would break down my door and arrest me for murder?

For a moment, let’s overlook the fact that pot laws are absurd and illogical. I defy anyone to explain to me what makes pot more dangerous than alcohol. Of course, this debate does not happen at the federal level. Surely, it happens in living rooms and pubs across America; but for our wise elected officials, the conclusions are so obvious that they need not be discussed. So let’s accept that for now.

Let’s also overlook that pursuing this charge is a disastrous waste of time from a “crime fighting” perspective. The motto of the police is “to serve and protect” but it is generally accepted that this is not what they really do. Assuming marijuana is a harmful illegal drug (complete bullshit) which I’d like to eradicate, I’d probably have much more success going after drug kingpens. Arresting Phelps will do nothing to deter future pot smokers, since it is obvious that the only reason he landed in this predicament was due to his celebrity status. Obviously, our main goal is to arrest people because it’s fun and costs the taxpayers money. So let’s just roll with that for now as well.

Even if I accept the absurd conclusions from the last two paragraphs, Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott is still a bumbling idiot. Any moron can see that he does not have a snowball’s chance in hell of convicting Phelps of anything. Phelps’s “confession” went like this:

I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I’m 23-years-old, and despite the successes I have had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner that people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public – it will not happen again.

What bad judgement? What did he do? Smoke tobacco out of a ROOR bong? Sounds reasonable to me. Maybe he bought pot from some guy, then went to rip a binger, and found out it was really oregano–very bad judgement indeed. Long story short, Phelps never actually confessed to smoking marijuana. There is no confession of anything illegal, you stupid dipshit sheriff. If this were an episode of Law & Order, I would’ve switched to the Cartoon Network about 5 minutes in (usually Family Guy is on about the same time).

Listen, I am not suggesting that everyone go smoke pot. I just don’t care if you do or not. It should be a personal decision, as it is with more harmful drugs like alcohol and tobacco.


If President Obama is listening (which he’s not) I have an idea for a stimulus package: spend $0 on the prosecution of pot smokers. I was about to look up how much money that would save us, but I’m feeling kind of lazy and would rather go to bed. Goodnight, my friends.


One thought on “Phelps In Hot Water

  1. i am now totally convinced that smoking weed is evil since it limited Phelps to winning only 8 gold medals in last year’s Olympics

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