As Sammy Hagar famously blabbered, “C’mon baby, finish what ya started.” Who better to take advice from as we conclude our masochistic trip down memory lane? Let’s pick it up at #5 with a once legendary musician, whose career took a turn for the worse in the mid-seventies.
5. Paul McCartney & Wings – Silly Love Songs
Some people have asked me what’s up with all the classic rock songs on this list. Where are the Backstreet Boys? Celine Dion? NKOTB? Didn’t make the cut. It’s hard to believe, but these songs are even worse. Case in point, this vomit-inducing ballad by former Beatle Paul McCartney.
According to Wikipedia, “McCartney had been often teased by music critics for writing lightweight songs, and McCartney wrote this number in response.” Obviously he was content with the response, Critics, you are absolutely right. I’m a big fucking douchebag, and I’ve written this song to prove it.
4. Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart & Sting – All For Love
Notice a pattern here? Approximately 40% of all shitty songs have the word “love” in the title. This monstrosity was featured in a humorous bit on Beavis & Butthead, where the duo started screaming in horror until one of them finally changed the channel.
The video adds an extra dimension of crap to the original recording. For some unfathomable reason, it has a one-minute intro consisting of:
Sting: Bryan, how’s it goin?
Bryan Adams: Oh, hey Sting.
Sting: Hey, where’s Rod Stewart?
Bryan Adams: I dunno, he said he was on his way. So, what’s up Sting?
Sting: Oh, you know, this and that.
Rod Stewart: Hey guys! Ready to shoot the video?
Sting: Rod! Buddy old Pal! Nah, let’s wank around for another 30 seconds.
Bryan Adams: Hey, doesn’t this haircut make me look like a dipshit?
Rod Stewart: It sure does. Man, this song is gonna suck.
Bryan Adams: Yea, I’m totally pumped.
3. O.A.R. – Hey Girl
Here is an actual line from this song:
Well we went out late that night and we danced through the night
Are you fucking serious O.A.R.? It’s like you’re not even trying.
The thing is, train wreaks like this (although maybe not quite as clichéd as this one) get written all the time; but they usually result in scorn and ridicule from one’s peers. “Hey Girl” was actually played multiple times on nationally-syndicated modern rock radio. The only plausible explanation is that the members of O.A.R. sold their souls to the Devil–in return for a guaranteed hit single, no matter how terrible the song. What sort of demonic fiend could write a ballad this awful and make it popular? Hmm, maybe they got some tips from the next band on our countdown…
2. Nickelback – If Everyone Cared
The Beatles of Crap. The Shakespeares of Suck. Call them whatever you want, but Nickelback has left an indelible mark on the world of shitty music.
Trying to pick the worst Nickelback song is a bit like trying to decide what to order at IHOP. You carefully study the menu, meticulously scrutinizing the description of each potential meal until your stomach pleads with your brain to make it all end–but you still can’t decide between the Eggs Benedict, the Sausage & Biscuits, the Breakfast Combo, the Ham & Egg Melt, the Blueberry Pancakes, the Banana Pancakes, or the Stuffed French Toast.
Nickelback is sort of a bizarro version of that. Everything on the menu sucks.
You really just have to go with your gut (pardon the pun) in these situations. Most of Nickelback’s songs are bad in a humorously inept way, and I believe “If Everyone Cared” possesses that quality more so than any other. Take this nugget of lyrical wisdom from frontman Chad Kroeger:
And as we lie beneth the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be
I almost pissed my pants when I heard that.
1. Marcia Griffiths – Electric Boogie
Oops wrong video, my bad.
Wait, that wasn’t it either. Well in any event, hopefully I’ve somewhat prepared you for the experience of actually listening to this song
(seriously, click on that link at your own risk–don’t say I didn’t warn you).
“Electric Boogie” as you may have guessed, is the song that popularized the Electric Slide dance routine. I’ve been forced to endure it at High School dances, Weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, and other occasions I’ve since blocked from my memory.
When I think of this song, I’m reminded of the Trent Reznor line, “If there is a Hell, I’ll see you there.” Surely, Electric Boogie will be playing when we get there.