Worst Songs of All-Time, Part I

I like to rank stuff. Whenever shit happens, I like to compare it to other shit that happened in some sort of ascending list format. Hence the motivation for this latest entry. I’m aware that VH1 and Blender have both done there own versions of such a list: to call these rankings inadequate would be a gross understatement. I actually like some of those songs; I don’t see what’s so bad about “Two Princes” or “Ice Ice Baby”. What’s more, the fact that none of the songs I’ve selected made either list is a mystery wrapped in an enigma. Well anyways, here’s the first group of songs. I find them shocking and atrocious, but still not quite crappy enough to make the top five.

10. John Cougar Mellencamp – “I Need A Lover”

You might wonder why I’ve given the #10 spot to “I Need A Lover” as opposed to something like … oh let’s say “Fly Away” by Lenny Kravitz. Now the latter sucks, but it’s a more meat & potatoes kind of suck—verse, chorus, repeat, etc. In contrast, this John Cougar ballad exhibits a broader range of ineptitude by purporting to be epic. The song insists upon itself, much like Stairway and Freebird; but because it has so little to offer, it compensates with an insipid, bombastic guitar intro and a gratuitously repetitive chorus.

Wait a second; did you say you need a lover who will drive you crazy? You’ll have to repeat that line again, I wasn’t paying attention the first 800 times you said it. Watch the 2-minutes mark of this clip, its very ridiculous.

9. Bad Company – “Shooting Star”

This song tells the story of a kid named “Johnny,” who “made a record, went straight to number one. Suddenly everyone loved to hear him sing the song.” Sadly, Bad Company could never make that claim about one of their own songs, certainly not this piece of shit.

In the end, “Johnny’s life passed him by like a warm summer day, if you listen to the wind you can still hear him play.” Unless Johnny’s guitar playing sounds like “wwwwoooooooooooossssshhhhhh” I’m pretty sure that last line is bullshit. However, If any kids out there are reading (not likely) take note here. This type of hackneyed, vacuous metaphor could earn you a B on your next fourth grade poetry assignment.

8. Fleetwood Mac – “Dreams”

The worst critically acclaimed band of all time, Fleetwood Mac actually produced several candidates for this list. I wanted to recognize 10 different artists—otherwise the song “Say You Love Me” would’ve been a shoe-in, sounding like Raffi on Ecstasy. However, the song “Dreams” manages to outsuck all of their previous efforts (no small feat) and is widely regarded (by me) as the most boring song in the history of recorded music. That even includes the song where Kenny G plays one note for an hour and a half. But don’t take my word for it:

Well, there you have it. The note E-flat, sustained for 90 minutes, is better than this song.

7. LFO – “Summer Girls”

This one would probably be ranked even higher except it’s almost too easy to make fun of.

The main problem I have with the video is there’s the one douchebag who’s singing the whole time-–what the hell are the other two guys there for? They don’t play any instruments, and they don’t sing at all during the song. My theory is that every music video made in the late 90’s had a “three fag quota” which meant that MTV would refuse to air it unless a minimum of three gay losers were standing around making stupid faces during the duration of the video.

6. Puff Daddy – “Come With Me”

If you’ve ever seen the movie 8 Mile, you know the scene at the end where Eminem totally disses the guy, and makes fun of all the stuff he was about to say – so when it’s his turn in the rap battle, he totally freezes up. Well I think if that guy had just starting rapping anyway, spitting random, asinine rhymes, vaguely tied to a central theme of “Hey man, I dislike you” it would probably sound like this song. Check out some of these lyrics:

Come with me, yeah
Come with me
Yeah, like this
Come on, Come on
Yeah turn me up, turn me up
Yeah yeah yeah, come on now, Yeah
Hear my cries
Hear my calls
Lend me your ears (Uh huh You ready now? Come on check this out)
Hear my cries
Hear my calls
Lend me your ears, Uhh (Oh yeah that’s right, Oh yeah that’s right)
Hear my cries
Hear my calls
Lend me your ears
See my fall
See my errors
Know my faults
Time halts
See my loss

The video for this song cost about $3,000,000 to make.


One thought on “Worst Songs of All-Time, Part I

  1. You’re dumb. JCM’s INaL is actually a good song. Also, I love John Cougar’s long, flowing locks.

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