I apologize in advance for the fact that this post has no songs in it. However, I was inspired by a quote I read the other day from this article, where sports journalist Buzz Bissinger “apologizes” for his overzealous tirade on Bob Costas’s HBO talk show.

After he makes his obligatory apology, he proceeds to go on another anti-blog rant, blabbering: “They cover themselves under the mantle of the First Amendment. But if John Adams and Thomas Jefferson had any idea what the First Amendment would have wrought, they would have canceled it.”

Now I’ve heard a lot of stupid things in my day, but this one takes the cake. Normally when I read this sort of nonsense I just shrug my shoulders and move on. However, this being an extraordinary case, I felt obliged to express my views in satirical cartoon form:

Heheh, I have no life. Happy 4th of July everyone!!

Here is a little number I composed while lamenting the global energy crisis. FYI, the Republicians’ and Democrats’ latest proposals will each lower the cost of gas by $0.00.

As you know, rising energy and food prices are just one of the factors contributing to the economic doldrums our country is experiencing. Regarding these issues, John McCain had this to say:

The topics addressed in this post were a cheap ploy to attract random blog surfers to this site. The song is actually an auditory translation of Dali’s Morphological Echo.

This one muses on my disdain for gypsys. I don’t really know much about them, except that most female gypsys are forture-tellers: as such, they likely dabble sorcery and witchcraft as well.

If I ever made an album, this would probably be one of the filler songs, as it lacks a guitar solo. I’ll write a more bad-ass one later…probably.

Sorry about the lack of blogs lately. Today, let’s revisit one of my favorite topics–music that I hate.

You’ll see that the images above represent a historical pyramid of pain inflected upon humanity, with Coldplay residing at the top. I guess everything below Coldplay is debatable, I sort of just threw that together without thinking about it too much.

I hate Coldplay so much that I wrote a song about it. It’s not very good, but it’s better than Coldplay (granted that’s not saying very much).

My latest beef with them is the subject of this article, though it really just adds to the laundry list of things I dislike about them.

Some somber news to report today: the filly Eight Belles tragically lost her life this weekend racing in the Kentucky Derby. This is heart-breaking news for horse lovers everywhere. On a more positive note, this is terrific news for everyone at the local glue factory.

Can you really make glue out of horses? I read about it in Animal Farm, so I’m going to assume yes (if anyone out there is an expert on the subject, please enlighten us). Anyways, I extend my condolences to all of Eight Belles’ fans, and my congratulations to all those hard-working Kentucky glue makers.

Lastly, I agree with this petition from PETA calling for the suspension of jockey Gabriel Saez, whom I suspect is guilty of foul play. Sorry for being un-PC, but if there’s one group I don’t trust, it’s 4-foot tall people from Panama. 

What is with this “Nirvana vs. Pearl Jam” debate? I’m pretty sure the whole concept was invented by delusional Pearl Jam fans. I wouldn’t normally entertain such a silly comparison as this one, on par with “Beethoven’s 5th Symphony vs. MMMBop” or “Citizen Kane vs. Monkey Trouble“. Unfortunately, the idea that Pearl Jam is the superior band seems to be gaining steam among non-stoner frat guys, dudes who work in Marketing, and Darius Rucker of Hootie & the Blowfish. Let us take a look at each of these bands during various stages in their respective careers:

In fairness, some of these comparisons are close:

Ten contains two standout tracks, “Porch” and “Alive”, that are almost as good as “Territorial Pissings” and “Lithium” on Nevermind. The big difference is in the mega-hit singles, “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and “Jeremy”. SLTS, though not Nirvana’s best, is a good, straight-forward rock song, whereas “Jeremy” does not really rock at all. These songs have relatively famous videos, both of which demonstrate the main point here–one band’s main goal is to rock, and the other band is trying to do something else, like weird me out with all these “whoooaaaa ooohhh AYE YA YA YAY YAY” vocal adlibs.

Unplugged in New York contains 6 stellar cover songs, but none of the Nirvana originals are on par with their previous recordings. Vitology, in typical Pearl Jam fashion, stumbles through a series of forgettable filler material; however, the record contains the exceptional “Corduroy” and the pretty-good “Better Man”. The difference ended up being Pearl Jam’s inexplicable decision not to include “Yellow Ledbetter” on this album. My guess is that Eddie Vedder was so pretentious, he figured the album would be good enough without it, and he wanted to make his fans shell out another $10 and buy the Jeremy CD single in order to hear one of Pearl Jam’s few excellent songs.

As for Pearl Jam’s later endeavors … ouch. It’s clear that the world would be better off if Eddie Vedder blew his brains out instead. In fact, It’s not really fair to compare these Pearl Jam albums to anything released by Nirvana (including posthumous efforts like the awesome With The Lights Out Box Set). Let’s give Pearl Jam another shot–this time against a more comparable opponent:

You can see that the first video is for the Britney Spears song, “Dear Diary” (which wasn’t even a hit single, by the way) and the second video is one of Pearl Jam’s lesser efforts, “Wish List”. Let’s compare these two tracks in a few different areas.

Vocally, I think the difference is obvious. Spears, while not exactly Aretha Franklin, exhibits a decent vocal range. She also doesn’t mind being a little adventurous, reaching for that high note every now and then. Vedder, on the other hand, does not once venture outside the one-octave range below middle C. He also has a bland, monotone quality about his voice, like he’s recording the vocals in his room and is afraid that his mom might hear him.

Lyrically, each song is very formulaic. Each verse begins, “I wish I was … blah blah blah” or “Dear Diary … there’s some dude I like … yadda yadda yadda …” I think ultimately they differ in terms of having a central message and conveying it effectively. Britney has a clear, concise point to make: I like some guy, and I’m writing about it in my diary. Vedder doesn’t really know what he wants to say, preferring instead to ramble like a drunk college freshman attempting to do his Philosophy 101 homework. He opens with the line: “I wish I was a neutron bomb for once I didn’t go off.” Who gives a shit? Bombs are bad, I know–make a fucking point and move on.

Musically, the advantage also goes to Spears. The production here is minimal but does the job and doesn’t put me to sleep. I like a good electric piano every now and then, and the harmonic structure is decent for a ballad with a few modular passing tones. In contrast, Pearl Jam has too many cooks stirring the harmonic pot. The entire verse goes:

E E D D E E D D E E D D E E D D F F F F F F F F
C C C C C C C C C C C C C C C C C C C C C C C C

I’m not sure why you would need four musicians to play this. Also, it sucks. The drumming lacks creativity and is therefore unnecessary. The chorus contains some chords other than C, unfortunately they are a very predictable F & G.

This concludes my analysis of Pearl Jam’s musical canon. In closing, I’d also like to point out that I personally hate Eddie Vedder. I also hate the entire Vedder family (even the little kids), as they are guilty by association.

I was thinking about it, and the first year I remember stuff on TV was 1989. My most vivid memory was watching the Giants lose to the LA Rams in the playoffs, 19-13 in OT (Flipper Anderson caught the game-winning TD and ran directly through the tunnel into the locker room). All the older kids on the school bus made fun of me the next day, as I was somehow an insane Giants fan even at the age of six.

On a more positive note, I was a big Nickelodeon buff, and my sister & cousins were all into HBO and MTV. Here are my personal highlights from 1989 in the world of movies & television:

Weird Al - UHF

This music video is from the movie of the same name. Good song and video. The movie was sort of cheesy yet entertaining; I particularly liked the Spatula City and Town Talk bits.

Beetlejuice

For some reason I was obsessed with this movie. I think I would like anyone that does stuff when you say their name three times in a row. Two late-eighties “that guy”s make an early apperance in this clip: the principal from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and the mom from Home Alone. I borrowed the phrase “that guy” from Bill Simmons; he’s just going to have to deal with it. 

Incidentally, both Beetlejuice and UHF got two thumbs down from Siskel & Ebert. Shows how much I know.

For the most part, I try to avoid talking politics in this forum. One thing that you won’t see anywhere in Quality Prose is political spin. Sure I have opinions about stuff like war, taxes, etc; but I’ll never try to convince you, the reader, to agree with me.

One subject that does interest me is political strategy. I enjoy a good filibuster, a an effective gerrymandering, or a clutch, last-second rider to a congressional funding bill. In that respect, the Democratic Party has reached a new level of tactical buffoonery.

It reminds me a lot of Jean Van De Velde’s historic collapse during the 1999 British Open. Needing only a double-bogey on the last hole to win, Van De Velde completely shit the bed with a series of baffling shots, eventually needing a 6-foot put for triple-bogey (he made the put but lost in the ensuing playoff). In my opinion, his most inane blunder was choosing to hit a driver off the tee: opting for an iron shot would’ve basically guaranteed bogey and a 2-stroke win.

The 2008 general election found the Democrats in a much similar position initially. If you don’t believe me, consider the following:

-The issues that matter most to voters are Iraq (29%) and the economy (21%).
-McCain supports the Iraq war that 63% of the voting public thinks “was a mistake.”
-Regarding the economy, McCain says: “I’m not an expert on a lot of this stuff.”

Piece of cake, huh? Now let’s sit back and watch the Dems cruise to victory:

Source: Rasmussen Reports

Whoops! The funny thing was I came across the following article on gallup.com: Democrats Split on Whether Campaign Is Hurting the Party. It reads, “a majority of Obama supporters say the campaign is hurting the party and that party leaders should get together to back one of the candidates. A majority of Clinton supporters, on the other hand, say the continuing campaign is not hurting the party and should continue.”

Holy shit, I think this guy’s cracked this case. Apparently, supporters of a particular candidate generally favor a nomination process which gives said candidate a better chance of winning. Get the fuck out of here, that’s ridiculous.

Also, I love how instead of gathering the data that would answer his question, he just went around asking random Democrats, “hey, do you know the answer?” That’s Ryan 1, gallup.com 0.

FYI, I’ve recently made lots of enhancements and added a few bells & whistles to this page. I updated my “about” page (before it said something like “hey, this is an about page” no shit really, thanks wordpress) and I also noticed that all my posts were being labeled as “uncategorized”. I was able to fix this problem by categorizing them. I realized that every iota of nonsense I’ve typed and published onto Quality Prose could be generalized under one of the following:

1) Personal Anecdotes - my weird neighbors, etc
2) Stuff I Like - e.g. concerts
3) Stuff I Dislike - crappy songs
4) Meta-Blogging - posts about blogging

Meta-Blogging encompasses posts like “Check it out guys, this blog is totally radical!” (specifically the entries This is a “Blog” and TP Blows Goats). The only point of this post was to talk about Meta-Blogging, just so I would have to create a 5th catagory for posts about Meta-Blogging. I’m not really sure why I wanted to do that, but mission fucking accomplished.

As Sammy Hagar famously blabbered, “C’mon baby, finish what ya started.” Who better to take advice from as we conclude our masochistic trip down memory lane? Let’s pick it up at #5 with a once legendary musician, whose career took a turn for the worse in the mid-seventies.

5. Paul McCartney & Wings – Silly Love Songs

Some people have asked me what’s up with all the classic rock songs on this list. Where are the Backstreet Boys? Celine Dion? NKOTB? Didn’t make the cut. It’s hard to believe, but these songs are even worse. Case in point, this vomit-inducing ballad by former Beatle Paul McCartney.

According to Wikipedia, “McCartney had been often teased by music critics for writing lightweight songs, and McCartney wrote this number in response.” Obviously he was content with the response, Critics, you are absolutely right. I’m a big fucking douchebag, and I’ve written this song to prove it.

4. Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart & Sting – All For Love

Notice a pattern here? Approximately 40% of all shitty songs have the word “love” in the title. This monstrosity was featured in a humorous bit on Beavis & Butthead, where the duo started screaming in horror until one of them finally changed the channel.

The video adds an extra dimension of crap to the original recording. For some unfathomable reason, it has a one-minute intro consisting of:

Sting: Bryan, how’s it goin?
Bryan Adams: Oh, hey Sting.
Sting: Hey, where’s Rod Stewart?
Bryan Adams: I dunno, he said he was on his way. So, what’s up Sting?
Sting: Oh, you know, this and that.
Rod Stewart: Hey guys! Ready to shoot the video?
Sting: Rod! Buddy old Pal! Nah, let’s wank around for another 30 seconds.
Bryan Adams: Hey, doesn’t this haircut make me look like a dipshit?
Rod Stewart: It sure does. Man, this song is gonna suck.
Bryan Adams: Yea, I’m totally pumped.

3. O.A.R. – Hey Girl

Here is an actual line from this song:

Well we went out late that night and we danced through the night

Are you fucking serious O.A.R.? It’s like you’re not even trying.

The thing is, train wreaks like this (although maybe not quite as clichéd as this one) get written all the time; but they usually result in scorn and ridicule from one’s peers. “Hey Girl” was actually played multiple times on nationally-syndicated modern rock radio. The only plausible explanation is that the members of O.A.R. sold their souls to the Devil–in return for a guaranteed hit single, no matter how terrible the song. What sort of demonic fiend could write a ballad this awful and make it popular? Hmm, maybe they got some tips from the next band on our countdown…

2. Nickelback – If Everyone Cared

The Beatles of Crap. The Shakespeares of Suck. Call them whatever you want, but Nickelback has left an indelible mark on the world of shitty music.

Trying to pick the worst Nickelback song is a bit like trying to decide what to order at IHOP. You carefully study the menu, meticulously scrutinizing the description of each potential meal until your stomach pleads with your brain to make it all end–but you still can’t decide between the Eggs Benedict, the Sausage & Biscuits, the Breakfast Combo, the Ham & Egg Melt, the Blueberry Pancakes, the Banana Pancakes, or the Stuffed French Toast.

Nickelback is sort of a bizarro version of that. Everything on the menu sucks.

You really just have to go with your gut (pardon the pun) in these situations. Most of Nickelback’s songs are bad in a humorously inept way, and I believe “If Everyone Cared” possesses that quality more so than any other. Take this nugget of lyrical wisdom from frontman Chad Kroeger:

And as we lie beneth the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be

I almost pissed my pants when I heard that.

1. Marcia Griffiths – Electric Boogie

Oops wrong video, my bad.

Wait, that wasn’t it either. Well in any event, hopefully I’ve somewhat prepared you for the experience of actually listening to this song
(seriously, click on that link at your own risk–don’t say I didn’t warn you).

“Electric Boogie” as you may have guessed, is the song that popularized the Electric Slide dance routine. I’ve been forced to endure it at High School dances, Weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, and other occasions I’ve since blocked from my memory.

When I think of this song, I’m reminded of the Trent Reznor line, “If there is a Hell, I’ll see you there.” Surely, Electric Boogie will be playing when we get there.