For the sake of simplicity, I just made up some numbers that seemed pretty reasonable to me, and hopefully to you as well. As you can see, this is not at all a straight-forward decision:
Odds
Colts scoring from their own 30 = 30%
Colts scoring from the Pats’ 30 = 70%
Pats making a 4th and 2 = 70%
So if they punt the ball the Colts have a 30% chance to win. But if the Pats go for it, the Colts have a (100%-70%)*70% = 21% chance to win.
Since I am generally an anti-punting zealot, the amount of people who called Belichick’s decision the “worst coaching decision ever” sort of annoys me. Not just that people like Mike Francesa or Tom Peretti disagree, but that they consider it the worst decision in the history of NFL coaching strategy. NFL coaches tend to make gutless punting decisions as it is, and I fear that this reaction will only serve to augment that trend.
If you ask me, the worst coaching decision ever happened in the 2007 AFC Playoff game between Pittsburgh and Jacksonville, when Mike Tomlin went for a 2-point conversion from the 12-yard line, after a holding penalty on the previous attempt, with the score 28-23 Jaguars. After failing to convert and getting the ball back, Pittsburgh was compelled to go for two again after scoring a touchdown to make the score 29-28: this attempt also failed. Because they went for two on back-to-back touchdowns, the initial decision ended up costing the Steelers two points instead of just one. Needless to say, the final score was Jacksonville 31, Pittsburgh 29.
In conclusion, Bill Belichick is smart, whereas Mike Tomlin is dumb.
**UPDATE**
Three things here. I was discussing with DC Hero, an avid pats fan, who makes a couple good points:
“All the talking heads are focusing on the decision to go for it, which is the usual nonsense. If you know you’re going for it on 4th down, you run the ball on 3rd down–end of story. Make the colts use their last timeout. Instead, you throw the ball, then YOU use a timeout. [Then] they flank out faulk, and he is in press coverage with a safety.”
Agreed on all accounts. The clock management was bad, the 4th down play was iffy, and the pats had numerous chances to put the game away before that. Belichick certainly made his share of mistakes, just not with regard to this decision.
Now there are two common lines of arguments I’ve been hearing that I find sort of dumb:
“What message does this call send to your defense, that they can’t stop Manning?”
This is a very wishy-washy argument to me. So because Belichick trusts his offense and respects Peyton Manning, now the Pats’ defense will be moping around the field, too emotionally scarred to tackle or cover people? Give me a break. Football is about winning games, not being nice to people.
“Maybe this strategy works in Madden, but not the NFL.”
If there’s any team that makes you think you’re watching a game of Madden, it’s the Patroits. They scored 59 points against Tennessee for crying out loud. And are 4th downs really harder to convert in the NFL than Madden? Has this been studied? On the contrary, ESPN columnist Bill Simmons likes to talk about how NFL coaches should have a Madden-playing teenager on the sidelines, because they usually make better two-minute drill decisions. I would tend to agree with him.
You’re probably wondering already if there will be a part II to this series–the answer is probably not. This damn thing had been sitting in my drafts folder for about a year, and I kept on trading my fake players and eventually ran out of racist jokes to make about the nationalities involved. So I figured I’d just stick a “Part I” on the title and be done with it.
So anyways, I have this fake baseball team on whatifsports.com. No, not fantasy baseball, although I do that too. This involves an extra level of geekdom because the players themselves are computer generated figments of our imagination. They come equipped with skill ratings in various baseball tasks, but not with personalities like the real ball players. So I decided to fix that today.
There are a lot of young promising players for the Seattle Dead Rockstars, a team that is surely destined for greatness in the near future. Let’s meet a few of them:
This power-hitting righty hails from Saratoga Springs, New York–home to a number of sporting legends, including Seabiscuit and former Las Vegas Craps owner Tom Peretti. Brent’s parents own the popular chain of Stewart’s convenience stores that are a ubiquitous staple of upstate New York. Note that although they have almost the exact same logo as the Stewart’s soda brand, they are not the same company. The Stewart’s soda pop company is owned by Brent’s uncle Earl. Earl says that Brent is welcome to take over his soda pop chain one day. Brent said thanks, but that he was much more interested in playing baseball at the moment.
With a powerful bat and patient eye, Bill Sweeney has established himself as one of the better young catchers in the game. While not playing baseball, Willie enjoys taking bong hits and playing Magic GarageBand on his computer. He also has a dog, Jim, who was named after the lyrics to a Phish song. Sweeney is a decent pitch-caller but struggles to throw runners out on steal attempts.
This swinging slugger from Cariaco, Venezuela was recently named AL Rookie of the Year! A few summers ago, Neifi hurt his neck beating up some roughians back home–members of the Venezuelan kidnapping mob Los Diablos who were after his Aunt Esmeralda. He unfortunately suffered a herniated disk while repeatedly slamming a mobster’s head in the front door of his Chevy Chevette. He’s since made his full recovery, hitting 63 homers in his rookie season to establish himself as one of the top young sluggers in fake baseball.
This hot-shot youngster is a real all-around gamer. In addition to his dynamic repertoire of hitting, speed, and defense, he also possess top-notch health and durability ratings, thanks to his daily regimen of greenies and HGH.
Do you like to party? Carter sure does… in both the normal sense and the “wink-wink” sense of the word. A rampant cocaine habit has left his patience short and his temper high. Never since Tim Raines and Keith Hernandez has a 6-tool player come along quite like Fassero–his abilities to hit for average, hit for power, field, throw, run the bases, and consume narcotics are up there with the game’s elite.
Our International Scouting team really did a bang-up job in Venezuela. We saw young Einar playing in the streets one day; he and his friends from the small town of Anzoategui were using rocks as baseballs and milk cartons for gloves. The way Einar attacked those bouncing rocks with a folded milk carton in his left hand, we knew he would bring the same tenacity and enthusiasm to the shortstop position in Seattle. When asked about his hitting skills, or lack thereof, Einar chuckled and recalled being the subject of ridicule at many of his friends’ Piñata parties.
Known as the Dominican God of Walks, or Dios Dominicana de Bases sobre los Bolas in his native town of Guayubin, Edgardo is a solid all-around talent.
In reality, Edgardo is merely above average in taking walks. However, Dominican youths are frequently taught to swing at every pitch thrown, as this strategy increases their slim chances of making it to the United States. But under the tutelage of his father, Eduardo Tejera (a notorious stickler for plate discipline as a Little League manager) Edgardo developed a keen batting eye unmatched by his local peers. As a result, Tejera is considered a prodigy of the base-on-balls in his homeland.
I’m afraid that’s all I have for now. Stay tuned for a continuation of the Presidential report card series!
I was actually disappointed he wasn’t dead. What a stupid fucking news story. I hope Balloon Boy gets hit by a truck.
There was also one other person I had fantasized about killing, but thankfully the Phish took care of that for me.
Sorry for the lack of posts. I was going to write something about Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize, but screw it. I already had a bar argument about it so now I am ready to move on. Basically I think he should’ve won, but if you gave it to some dude I’d never heard of instead, I probably wouldn’t argue. In my Nobel Peace Prize Power Rankings I would put Obama way behind Nelson Mandala, but way ahead of Henry Kissinger.
Well, that’s all I have tonight. More coming soon, my friends!
I got this idea completely out of the blue, just bored on a Saturday morning. I’m up in CT housesitting my little brother. If I had my awesome new guitar with me I’d practice some arpeggios and stuff (the ‘rents have a guitar here but it is vastly inferior and currently out of tune).
Anywho, for a while I’ve wanted to do some objective, non-partisan political analysis. In my mind, the first step for me is to divulge my poltical leanings, which I’ll attempt to do in four sentences:
- I recently registered as a Democrat and voted for Obama.
- I tend to sympathize with libertarians on economic issues, but I don’t necessarily oppose government spending for potentially lucrative investments (e.g. I did not support the bank bailouts, but I liked aspects of the obama stimulus package).
- On social/international issues, the democrats are actually too far “right” for me at times, whereas limited government advocates tend to have more profound views on issues like legalization of drugs and non-intervention in foreign affairs.
- I am currently frustrated with third-party candidates who claim that the two major parties are “the same” yet fail to have a realistic gameplan for getting elected and enacting change.
Now that I’ve told you all that, why should you care? Well, no reason really. Just the fact that the remainder of this posting could be biased, as I will have written it.
If there are four things in the world that pisses me off, they are: Dane Cook, Coldplay, the Electric Slide, and political commentators who claim to be neutral and unbiased when they are clearly not. I’m looking in your general direction, Keith Olbermann and Bill O’Reilly.
''The spin stops here.''
No it doesn’t. But if you replace “spin” with “coherent thought” you could be on to something.
''I'm not a liberal, I'm an American.''
Unfortunately for us, you’re both. But just as before, we can correct the erroneous statement by substituting “liberal” with “reputable journalist” and “American” with “jackass”.
Long story short, I expect people to disagree with my presidential performance evaluations. But don’t get on your high horse and contend that my analysis is biased, yet there is some alternative analysis that should be universally accepted. Everyone is a biased, partisan ideologue in my book, including me.
Remember to file this one under work-in-progress. Frankly I don’t have as much historical political (or even current political) knowledge as I should, although really no one does. What I do have is a good bullshit detector to see past conventional wisdom, which tends to over weigh things like “Abe Lincoln freed the slaves” or “Gerry Ford fell down a lot” when evaluating presidents. So please provide any insight or constructive criticism, and I’ll definitely take it into account (especially for the ones I left blank).
1. George Washington (No party)
They didn’t put him on the dollar for nothing. For whatever reason, G-dubs is remembered more for beating down the redcoats than any of his Presidential achievements. Poppycock. For one thing, the decisive victory of the Revolutionary War was won by Benedict Arnold, while Washington’s troops were simultaneously losing the Battle of Brandywine to notorious British blunderer William Howe.
In contrast, Washington’s presidency was a rousing success, highlighted by numerous influential decisions and a legacy of fair-minded leadership. The list of federal entities created by Geroge Washington’s initiatives includes: the dollar, the US Mint, the National Bank, the District of Columbia, the US Navy, the Supreme Court, and the four major cabinet positions (Secretary of State/Treasury/Defense and Attorney General).
Historians such as Leonard D. White and Guy Who Edits Wikipedia describe Washington as, “an excellent delegator and judge of talent and character,” and “systematic, orderly, energetic, solicitous of the opinion of others but decisive, intent upon general goals and the consistency of particular actions with them.” Washington’s Farewell Address of 1796 warned future generations about the dangers of political parties and foreign alliances. Of course, future generations responded, “sure, whatever George” and here we are today.
The only area of criticism is that the federal entities established by Washington created a legacy of solving problems with more government. I believe it was a prudent strategy at the time, but one that has led to an unnecessary amount of bureaucracy today. Grade: A
2. John Adams (Federalist)
Like Sam Bowie, Darko Milicic, and Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, John Adams was sort of a letdown at #2. Adams had a reputation as being somewhat tactless, and this manifested itself when his criticism of the French Revolution eventually led to the XYZ Affair and Quasi-War in 1798. More troubling to me were the absurdly unconstitutional Alien and Sedition Acts which sought to place limits on immigration and free speech for political reasons. In contrast with Washington, Adams seemed to be almost an advocate of partisan politics. Grade: C
3. Thomas Jefferson (Democrat-Republican)
With the landmark Marbury v Madison case of 1803, instigated by Jefferson’s refusal to honor Adams’s Supreme Court appointments, the Supreme Court was given the power to declare laws and decisions unconstitutional. Surely, this has had some positive results over the years.
The problem here is that the Supreme Court is filled with people who consider themselves Democrats and Republicans–this makes no sense to me. The Supreme Court should uphold the law while making every effort to separate their political leanings from their decision. Jefferson realized this as well:
You seem … to consider the judges as the ultimate arbiters of all constitutional questions; a very dangerous doctrine indeed, and one which would place us under the despotism of an oligarchy. Our judges are as honest as other men, and not more so. They have, with others, the same passions for party, for power, and the privilege of their corps…. Their power [is] the more dangerous as they are in office for life, and not responsible, as the other functionaries are, to the elective control. The Constitution has erected no such single tribunal, knowing that to whatever hands confided, with the corruptions of time and party, its members would become despots. It has more wisely made all the departments co-equal and co-sovereign within themselves
Well, judicial review is here to stay. If Jefferson had reservations, he ought to have done something about it. As you can see, these decisions made during our country’s infancy have had a profound impact today.
Overall, Jefferson was a very staunch defender of the constitution. He voided the Alien and Sedition Acts of Adams, and he spoke a great deal about the importance of individual liberties, rebellion, and states’ rights. To me, that makes him possibly the most quotable president ever, but not necessarily the most effective. He also founded the Democratic party, for better or worse. Grade: A-
4. James Madison (Democrat-Republican)
Madison opposed the creation of a National Bank, but he renewed its charter in order to finance the War of 1812. This was one of the earlier instances in American history of politicians veering from their principles for dubious reasons. In this case, the War of 1812 was a silly conflict between the United States and Britain that resulted in no territorial gains, (although it did provide a backdrop for Francis Scott Key to compose the Star-Spangled Banner).
Otherwise, Madison maintained a conservative approach to government spending. One of his final acts as president was vetoing a bill for “internal improvements”, such as roads, bridges, and canals. His reasoning was based on states’ rights: that federal legislation should be limited to infrastructure that would, “bind more closely together the various parts of our extended confederacy,” according to him.
The Federal Government’s defense of States’ rights, advocated in particular by Jefferson and Madison, seems to have faded away over the years. Today’s Democratic party would do well to remember their roots. Grade: B+
5. James Monroe (Democrat-Republican)
Monroe essentially continued the economic legacy of Jefferson/Madison, but where he is most remembered is foreign policy. The Monroe Doctrine has been criticized by many as a justification for United States’ hegomony. Professor Noam Chomsky argues, “The Monroe Doctrine, which the US was not powerful enough to implement at the time, stated that the US would become the dominant force in this hemisphere.”
Although I believe this interpretation is valid, the doctrine was written in the context of the colonial era. It certainly dismisses the sovereignty of native tribal civilizations, but one could argue that the same is true of the United States Constitution. To me this is a very deep argument–how do we recognize the sovereignty of civilizations without political borders? It is somewhat less relevant today, although not completely moot.
But Monroe certainly erred on the side of aggression here. His policy towards Native Americans was also somewhat bellicose, although not to the extent of many of his successors. Grade: B-
Uh, I’m kinda lazy, so I’m gonna leave the rest for later… In the mean time, here’s a song about some of them:
Greetings, sports fans. The greatest non-athletic event in sports kicked off yesterday, and it was quite an eventful day. I sat down with a couple of brews and a generous helping of wings courtesy of the new Parsippany Cluck-U to watch it all unfold.
From the perspective of a fan of the New York Giants and the NFL in general, here is what I saw:
Round 1
1) Detroit Lions — Matthew Stafford, QB, Georgia
Meh. I’ve seen this guy a couple of times on TV. Granted Georgia was a disappointment this year. And he did look like an NFL quality QB. But #1 overall? $48 million guaranteed?? Personally I think he’s halfway between Alex Smith and Carson Palmer, but we’ll see.
2) St. Louis Rams — Jason Smith, OT, Baylor
6′6″ 305 lbs! Very pedestrian name though.
3) Kansas City Chiefs — Tyson Jackson, DE, LSU
Considered a reach, but I like that the Chiefs are using their annual Top 5 pick to assemble an all-LSU front four.
4) Seattle Seahawks — Aaron Curry, LB, Wake Forest Did you know that “seahawk” is actually another word for osprey?
5) New York Jets* — Mark Sanchez, QB, USC *from Cleveland
At this point I was rooting for the Browns to select Crabtree, which would have signaled a Braylon Edwards deal (hopefully to the Giants) was imminent. Of course, that wasn’t in the cards, but I like what the Jets did here. I think Sanchez can be a reliable, Joe Flacco type of guy for a team with a lot of other pieces in place.
6) Cincinnati Bengals — Andre Smith, OL, Alabama
The first “character issues” guy off the board. Honestly, I think all this finger-waiving by the NFL and the media is getting a little out of hand. It used to be that “off the field problems” meant running over kids who beat you in touch football, or pointing a gun at some kids in a McDonald’s parking lot. Now, we’re raising red flags when some guy leaves the NFL combine early? Kudos to the Bengals for not buying the negative hype. 7) Oakland Raiders — Darius Heyward-Bey, WR, Maryland
The Raiders are like the guy who takes Cole Hamels in the first round of your fantasy baseball draft. It’s not that I have a problem with Cole Hamels, it’s that you could’ve gotten him in the 2nd round at least. In the Raiders case, why didn’t they trade down?
8) Jacksonville Jaguars — Eugene Monroe, OT, Virginia
Wow, this guy makes Jason Smith look like Gary Coleman, coming in at 6′6″ 315 lbs.
9) Green Bay Packers — B.J. Raji, DT, Boston College
One of the more impressive highlight reels I saw. Also fills a big need for the Packers, I like the pick.
10) San Francisco 49ers — Michael Crabtree, WR, Texas Tech
Good fit for the 49ers, and fell into their lap at 10. He’s not as good as Calvin Johnson, the last marquee rookie wideout in the draft. But he’s certainly better than Arnaz Battle.
11) Buffalo Bills — Aaron Maybin, DE, Penn St
Doesn’t excite me.
12) Denver Broncos — Knowshon Moreno, RB, Georgia
This guy has a lot of O’s in his name.
13) Washington Redskins — Brian Orakpo, DE, Texas
This one could be a steal. The Redskins have really loaded up on defense this offseason, it should be really interesting to see how that group performs in 2009.
14) New Orleans Saints — Malcolm Jenkins, DB, Ohio St
I don’t think he will solve the Saints defensive woes, but he doesn’t need to with the teams high-powered offensive attack led by Drew Brees.
15) Houston Texans — Brian Cushing, LB, USC
At first I thought his name was “Crushing” which would be an unbelievably awesome name for a defensive player (outside of CB and FS perhaps). But “Cushing” is much less intimidating. What’s he gonna do, attack me with pillows? Lame. 16) San Diego Chargers — Larry English, DE, Northern Illinois
With Tomlinson and Gates wearing down, I would’ve gone for offense here. Maclin would’ve made sense.
17) Tampa Bay Buccaneers* — Josh Freeman, QB, Kansas St *from N.Y. Jets through Cleveland
Ahoy matey! This 6′6″ scurvy dog be a very excitin’ prospect for ye. Lots o’ upside.
18) Denver Broncos — Robert Ayers, DE, Tennessee
The Broncos finally address their laughably bad defense. This guy is apparently good, but he will not prevent the Broncos from going 3-13 next year. Josh McDaniel will clearly be fired.
19) Philadelphia Eagles* — Jeremy Maclin, WR, Missouri *from Tampa Bay through Cleveland
Probably not a good sign that the Eagles traded up for the guy I was hoping the Giants would trade up for. With Brian Westbrook, Deshaun Jackson, and Maclin, they have 3 guys on offense who are exceptional in space, and should give defensive coaches nightmares. The main question is whether McNabb and Westbrook can stay healthy and productive.
20) Detroit Lions* — Brandon Pettigrew, TE, Oklahoma St *from Dallas in the worst trade of all time
The Lions certainly have a lot of defensive issues, but I like the strategy of trying to build one side at a time. They’ll suck again next year, so they should have a top pick to use for a stud defender.
21) Cleveland Browns* — Alex Mack, C, California *from Philidelphia
Who can blame Cleveland for trading down three times for…
In addition to a 6′4″ 316 frame, Alex Mack’s strengths include telekinesis, electrokinesis, and the ability to morph into a liquid puddle. One area of concern for scouts is how Mack responds to bullying from co-star Jessica Alba.
22) Minnesota Vikings — Percy Harvin, WR, Florida
Considering the most recent Florida wideouts taken in rounds 1 & 2 have been Ike Hilliard, Reidel Anthony, Jacquez Green, Travis Taylor, Jabar Gaffney, Taylor Jacobs, Reche Caldwell, and Chad Jackson, I can’t exactly give a ringing endorsement of this pick.
23) Baltimore Ravens* — Michael Oher, OT, Mississippi *from New England
Great value here, getting a potential stud LT late in the first round.
24) Atlanta Falcons — Paria Jerry, DT, Mississippi
I love typing out the word “Mississippi”. It’s like doing a little dance with your fingers. This guy probably sucks.
25) Miami Dolphins — Vontae Davis, DB, Illinois
Solid late 1st rounder, and what the Dolphins needed. I do know it took the Giants about 6 or 7 tries to draft a quality CB, so this guy could be hit-or-miss as well.
26) Green Bay Packers* — Clay Matthew, DE, USC *from New England
I like how the Packers have addressed their defense in the 1st round. Considering they went 6-10 but actually scored more points then they gave up last year, the Pack may rebound very quickly.
27) Indianapolis Colts — Donald Brown, RB, Connecticut
The first of four UConn Huskies taken in the first two rounds! Nice player, although I would’ve gone with a defender myself.
28) Buffalo Bills* — Eric Wood, C, Louisville *from Philadelphia through Carolina
Kinda looks like the fat kid from The Sandlot…”Hey, want a smore?” “How can I have some more of nothing?” “You’re killin’ me, Smalls.”
29) New York Giants — Hakeem Nicks, WR, North Carolina
As far as Giants fans are concerned, this guy better be good. With established receivers Braylon Edwards and Anquan Boldin on the trade block, GM Jerry Reese refused to include this 1st round pick in any potential deal. They also had an opportunity to trade up for Jeremy Maclin, but chose to stand pat while the Eagles “swooped in” by making a trade of their own.
Luckily, I think the Giants got the right guy. Nicks has good size, sticky hands, and is a beast after the catch.
I could even see him having the best NFL career out of the six WRs chosen in the 1st round. However, he might need some time to develop. And I doubt teams will double-cover him right away, meaning defenses can still keep an extra defender up for the run. The pressure will be on Eli, Nicks, Smith, Hixon, and Manningham to execute in the passing game in order to keep defenses honest.
30) Tennessee Titans — Kenny Britt, WR, Rutgers
The Giants could have opted for this hometown hero instead of Nicks; at 6′4″ he does provide more of the size element they were missing without Plax. But Britt does not have the same playmaking abilities as Nicks, and will probably not be an elite receiver in the NFL. He is probably a better fit for the Titans, who do not throw the ball as often as the Giants.
31) Arizona Cardinals — Chris “Beanie” Wells, RB, Ohio St
This OSU product is not to be confused with Evan Wells, a member of my pledge class who would have been picked #1 overall, but sustained a devastating knee injury running house laps. Beanie Wells is nevertheless a steal for the Cardinals at #31. Although he is not the ideal fit for Arizona’s spread offense, I think his overall talent and the added dimension he gives them is enough to justify this pick.
32) Pittsburgh Steelers — Evander “Ziggy” Hood, DT, Missouri
The Steelers primary need was offensive line, but they are also aging on defense and Ziggy gives the Super Bowl champs a long-term plan up front. Also, both his nickname and his real first name rule, and that’s more or less enough for me.
Rounds 2-7
Right now, as I sit here typing, we’re in the middle of Round 5. Here are some random thoughts on Round 2 from yesterday, and the action so far today:
-So far, hear is what the Giants have done:
45) Clint Sintim, LB, Virginia: We do need depth at the LB spot, and Sintim could mesh well with recently acquired Michael Boley. While Boley is terrific in pass coverage and pursuit, Sintim is a good run stuffer and can rush the passer. Personally I would have gone with Conner Barwin, whom the Texans selected with the next pick and seems as though he could probably play OLB.
60) Will Beatty, OT, UConn: An excellent pick. The Giants O-Line is one of the best in the league, but if there is any weakness, it’s LT David Diehl. He is an above-average offensive tackle, but has been exposed on occasion and could begin to wear down. But now he might have some competition as the Giants got a steal with this pick. Because of this draft’s depth at left tackle, Beatty slid past his true value, which was around late 1st/early 2nd according to most scouts.
85) Ramses Barden, WR, Cal Poly: At 6′6″ 227 lbs, this guy is built like a refrigerator, yet he clocks in at 4.5 in the 40. He is not an explosive player, but could be a reliable target for Eli once the Meadowlands winds start swirling.
100) Travis Beckum, TE, Wisconsin: Another good upside pick for Jerry Reese. He does not block well, but the Giants already have a sturdy blocking TE in Kevin Boss. Beckum’s strength is in the passing game, and the Giants will be thrilled if he can become a receiving threat.
129) Andre Brown, RB, NC State: This pick makes sense with the loss of Derrick Ward. More of a power back who will probably end up with a Reuben Droughens type role (hopefully better though).
-ESPN needs to promote Erin Andrews right away. Possessing a rare combination of Irish good looks and an unparalleled intellect and enthusiasm for journalism, Erin Andrews is the premiere sideline reporter in all of television. I find it criminal that Suzy Kolber and Michele Tafoya are allowed to roam the sidelines for Monday Night Football, while the clearly superior Andrews is deprived of an opportunity to shine on the national stage.
Erin Andrews, a beacon of quality journalism
-You have to like what New England did in Round 2. Trading out of the 1st round left them with 4 picks, which they used on: Patrick Chung (DB-Oregon), Ron Brace (DT-Boston College), Darius Butler (CB-UConn), and Sebastian Vollmer (OT-Houston). All of these guys have the potential to start and contribute. Also note that Vollmer is a 6′7″ 315 lbs German guy who barely spoke English upon arriving at Houston, which rules.
-The Eagles made their 2nd scary offensive pick taking LeShaun McCoy (RB-Pittsburgh) in Round 2. McCoy is a scat back but gives the Eagles yet another guy who is difficult for defenses to wrap up, especially when he gets the ball in space. With Westbrook becoming more of a health risk as he gets older, this is a very smart pick by Philly. However, they still lack a power running back that can pick up short yardage and move the chains.
-To the delight of both Giants and Eagles fans, the Dallas Cowboys officially suck. Already with the losses of Terrell Owens, Julius Jones, and Chris Canty, the Cowboys compounded their woes by trading their only pick in the first day of the draft. This 9-7 squad from a season ago is moving in the opposite direction as the rest of the division.
Sorry for the increasingly political nature of this blog. Perhaps I should refrain from editing it under the influence of alcohol, but I feel like that would be depriving you of some valuable insights.
Here is a Yahoo! news clip of some Republican talking. I’m gonna be honest with you guys, I don’t really know that much about politics. I’m an engineer–I’ll bet you can count on one hand how many Bachelors of Science there are in the House and Senate.
On the positive side of things, Republicans have some pretty valid points to make in terms of the economy. Let me be clear, there is a debate to be had, but the GOP side deserves to be heard. Notice this guy was conspicuously silent during the spending spree of the Bush adminstration, but that is beside the point.
Anyways, you’ll notice Rep. Boehner talks about the economy until about the 2:50 mark (of his 3:50 minute speech). Sadly, it all goes downhill from there. Here is his subsequent quote:
They’ve decided to close the deteenay … uh, detainee base down in Cuba–without having any plan for what they’re going to do with those terrorists, who are hell bent on killing Americans.
Well … no. Let’s see what our friend wikipedia has to say about this one:
Since October 7, 2001, when the current war in Afghanistan began, 775 detainees have been brought to Guantánamo. Of these, approximately 420 have been released without charge. As of January 2009, approximately 245 detainees remain.
Three have been convicted of various charges … Of those still incarcerated, U.S. officials said they intend to eventually put 60 to 80 on trial and free the rest
So if these guys are all terrorists hell-bent on killing Americans, that kinda sucks that 420 of them were already freed under George W. Bush. Frankly, I’m surprised I’m not dead right now.
Republicans–stop talking about foreign policy. Seriously, it’s time to go back to the drawing board on this one. It’s not even fair to claim the patriotic, U-S-A! stance at this point: the Democrats’ foreign policy, though flawed, clearly favors a smarter, more tactical national defense that doesn’t blow its wad every time an international disagreement arises. An America-loving patriot should really prefer that in the long run.
In closing, the government is sort of like the email program on my company computer. It sucks and never works. So I send a note to the helpdesk, and they’re like, “nah, everything’s cool.” But eventually, if you keep sending them notes, and convince your friends to do the same, someone will realize that the program is fucked up and needs to be fixed. So yea, do that I guess.
I thought I would share with you guys a very thought-provoking article I read. I did not get it from any reputable news source other than the Yahoo! most popular news page. It was about an Iranian-American journalist, working in Iran, who was recently convicted of espionage. There was one quote of particular interest:
Human rights groups have repeatedly criticized Iran for arresting journalists and suppressing freedom of speech. The government has arrested several Iranian-Americans in the past few years, citing alleged attempts to overthrow its Islamic government through what it calls a “soft revolution.”
What is a soft revolution? To be honest, I would take that as a complement.
Think about it, hard revolutions are usually bloody. But the world is fucked up in more ways than one, and soft revolutions can only occur when mankind combines idealism with pragmatism.
So I guess I’m a little late on this bandwagon. Sorry about that. But there are a lot of people who need to eat shit, and I’m here to serve it.
Hey Joe Scarborough, go to hell. And take Jim Cramer with you*
*Actually, after watching all of the youtube stuff again, Cramer doesn’t seem half as bad as Scarborough. Even in the clip below, he tries to tone down Joe’s insane rant, but Scarborough won’t let him. Another thing that I shouldn’t ignore is Cramer had the decency to come on the show and take his scolding like a man. Don’t get me wrong, he still deserves to get reamed, but he’s taking the heat for a lot of other guys who probably deserve even more of it.
The fact that Stewart and Colbert routinely run circles around these losers is pathetic. If Stewart is such a hack, why can’t you guys debate him toe-to-toe, instead of sitting there whining about it? They mention over and over again “He’s a comedian!” Well then why is he smarter than you? Can one of you talking heads logically explain why you are right and Stewart is wrong? Or should I just take your word for it because you’re not a comedian?
In other news, add Tucker Carlson to the list of people I’ve lost all respect for.
Here, Tucker dismisss Stewart as a “partisan hack”. Quite frankly, isn’t that really just another way of saying a “guy with an opinion”? It’s like how Bill O’Reilly uses the word “ideologue”, like “oh, you said that, stop being an ideologue.” Sure, maybe if you stop being a giant sack of turds, I’ll see what I can do.
Of course, the only person immune to charges of “partisan hackery” is Tucker Carlson himself, who is quite appalled at mere suggestion:
I mean, to call me a partisan hack is ludicrous! I’m the least partisan person I know! I have zero interest in party politics! Zero Interest!
Isn’t there anyone on TV news shows who doesn’t come across as a smug hypocrite? No. Today’s televised news is an embarrassment to our great nation, and I will no longer stand for it.
The main problem with TV news is not necessarily a liberal or conservative bias. Actually yes, the main problem with TV news is a liberal or conservative bias. Why does one party have to be right? I think they’re all fucking idiots. Why don’t they give someone like me a show?
Hey now, could that be the reason The Daily Show is so popular? Hmm, let me think about that for a second…
…hmm…perhaps…
No fuck that. I refuse to listen to anyone classified as a comedian by Jim Cramer and Joe Scarborough, even if that guy totally makes sense to me.
I would start a boycott of TV news, but I don’t even remember the last time I watched it. Actually I have this cool new thing on my computer called the internet… In fact, this whole internet news craze may eventually cause newspapers to go the way of the Woolly Mammoth. Let’s hope these clowns on the idiot box suffer the same fate.
Please quit journalism forever. Once you’ve finished your letter of resignation to Sports Illustrated, you may want to make a copy and frame it, as it will easily be the best thing you’ve ever written. Then, please come back and finish reading this letter.
Firstly, I’d like to inform you of an amazing new product called Just For Men. This breakthrough in hair-coloring technology allows many men your age to avoid looking like a complete dickface. In your case, it may only reduce your dickface appearance by 33%–making you still the biggest wank job I’ve ever seen, but not by as wide a margin as before.
Whoa, Coldplay. Heck of a performance at the Grammys last night. Tremendous. That’s a band I need to see.
Please let me know when and where you plan to see Coldplay, so I can come and punch you in the face. After doing so, I’ll probably heckle Chris Martin for a bit until he starts crying (this will only take about 30 seconds) before promptly leaving.
Thirdly, Ten Things I Think I Think has to be the worst title of anything a professional (or amateur) writer has ever come up with. I hate every single word of that title, with the possible exception of “Things”.
Arguably, the phrase “I Think” should not even be used once. Especially when it refers to statements like:
8. I think one of the biggest MMQB fans on the planet, Michael Whelan of New Orleans (formerly of Detroit), got married over the weekend and deserves a kudo or two, particularly for finding such a lovely gal in Emily Edwards.
What the fuck, you think he got married? Or you’re not sure how many kudos he deserves? Perhaps you think Emily Edwards is a lovely gal, but there’s a slight chance she is a raging whore.
Anyways, “I think” is bad enough once, but twice in succession? Here, Peter King is attempting to unravel 430 years of modern philosophy since the Cartesian principle cogito ergo sum (I think, therefore I am). Behold the mysterious Peter King, who is not even sure if he thinks! He can only be some sort of ghostly, non-human enigma, unable to be perceived by man.
Yet my biggest gripe is with the number of things in the column. Obviously, any number other than ten should be unacceptable. For instance, the Super Bowl column I linked to above contained 16 things, so King is clearly a dolt who cannot compute integers. Of course, some King apologists might counter: “But #10 was a list of seven non-football thoughts, which categorically, is really one thing consisting of seven sub-things.” Fine, whatever.
Even using some convoluted logic like that, there is no way to explain this monstrosity. The linked article contains 53 fucking things, not 10. And somewhat unlike the previous example, they have not one goddamn thing to do with one another.
Breaking down the logical structure of this passage is like entering the 9th Circle of Dante’s Inferno. Provided is one example below:
1. I think these are my quick-hit thoughts of Week 17:
d. Larry Fitzgerald’s hands cannot be matched.
Later on we have…
6. I think this is what I liked about Week 17:
a. Haloti Ngata is downright nimble for a 345-pound man.
What the hell is going on here? Why are these two things (which Peter King does not consider things) separated into different categories? Are you telling me you’re neutral to Larry Fitzgerald’s hands, but you love the downright nimbleness of Haloti Ngata?
Such inconsistency is prevalent throughout the duration of the TTITIT section. How easy is it to write like Peter King? Observe:
1) Days of the week:
a. Monday
b. Thursday
c. Sausage
d. Oprah Winfrey
2) Toppings on Pizza:
a. Mustard
b. Anchovies
c. Montell Williams
3) Hey, I really think this Larry Fitzgerald kid could be a star in the NFL some day.
4) I always thought the forward pass was just a fad, but thanks to Mr. Fitzgerald, it could be here to stay!
5) Black Talk-Show Hosts:
a. Wednesday
b. Sally Jesse Raphael
I doubt anyone could understand how mad this makes me. I have a passionate hatred for the arbitrary and illogical–a passion that burns brighter than all the stars in the sky. Peter King, you have ignited that passion.
One day when I am President, I will urge the passage of a new constitutional amendment: this amendment will modify the 8th Amendment to apply to everyone except Peter King. After it receives the overwhelming approval of congress, I will confine Peter King to some sort of stocks or pillory, so the local children can amuse themselves hurling tomatoes at his ugly face. This will teach kids to appreciate numbers such as 10, and not to use them inappropriately.
Peter King, I’ve written this open letter to inform you of your fate. There is nothing you can do to avoid it.
This story is getting old already, but there are a few aspects of it that bother me, hence I felt this blog was necessary. By now you’ve all seen this picture (amusing headline courtesy of Deadspin):
First of all, there is no way anyone could have confirmed that was Phelps. You might say that it was right for him to step up and admit it was him, and I wouldn’t argue. But what Phelps probably failed to account for is that Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott is a blithering asshat:
This case is no different than any other case. This one might be a lot easier since we have photographs of someone using drugs and a partial confession. It’s a relatively easy case once we can determine where the crime occurred.
Now let’s remember that the ROOR shown here is a “glass pipe generally used to smoke cannabis” according to the original article. Well, a gun is a device generally used to kill people. What if a photograph surfaced of me pointing a gun at some unseen object, presumably in the Columbia, S.C. area. I suppose the police would break down my door and arrest me for murder?
For a moment, let’s overlook the fact that pot laws are absurd and illogical. I defy anyone to explain to me what makes pot more dangerous than alcohol. Of course, this debate does not happen at the federal level. Surely, it happens in living rooms and pubs across America; but for our wise elected officials, the conclusions are so obvious that they need not be discussed. So let’s accept that for now.
Let’s also overlook that pursuing this charge is a disastrous waste of time from a “crime fighting” perspective. The motto of the police is “to serve and protect” but it is generally accepted that this is not what they really do. Assuming marijuana is a harmful illegal drug (complete bullshit) which I’d like to eradicate, I’d probably have much more success going after drug kingpens. Arresting Phelps will do nothing to deter future pot smokers, since it is obvious that the only reason he landed in this predicament was due to his celebrity status. Obviously, our main goal is to arrest people because it’s fun and costs the taxpayers money. So let’s just roll with that for now as well.
Even if I accept the absurd conclusions from the last two paragraphs, Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott is still a bumbling idiot. Any moron can see that he does not have a snowball’s chance in hell of convicting Phelps of anything. Phelps’s “confession” went like this:
I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I’m 23-years-old, and despite the successes I have had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner that people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public – it will not happen again.
What bad judgement? What did he do? Smoke tobacco out of a ROOR bong? Sounds reasonable to me. Maybe he bought pot from some guy, then went to rip a binger, and found out it was really oregano–very bad judgement indeed. Long story short, Phelps never actually confessed to smoking marijuana. There is no confession of anything illegal, you stupid dipshit sheriff. If this were an episode of Law & Order, I would’ve switched to the Cartoon Network about 5 minutes in (usually Family Guy is on about the same time).
Listen, I am not suggesting that everyone go smoke pot. I just don’t care if you do or not. It should be a personal decision, as it is with more harmful drugs like alcohol and tobacco.
If President Obama is listening (which he’s not) I have an idea for a stimulus package: spend $0 on the prosecution of pot smokers. I was about to look up how much money that would save us, but I’m feeling kind of lazy and would rather go to bed. Goodnight, my friends.
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